It was time to have a word with myself

To be completely honest I’ve had my head wedges firmly in my arse over the last couple of weeks.

I’ve been feeling really strange, I haven’t known if I’m coming or going, if I’m meant to be here or should I just disappear?? This may sound all a little extreme and it also my sound slightly selfish but I can’t change what I’ve been thinking, all I can do is try to make myself feel better.

Some people may say it was only a ride and yes it was a good cause but it was only a ride. Some may say that I haven’t failed but I can’t help feel that I have!! I’ve also been told that it could of been worse and just look at Sean, he’s still positive and I fully understand how he’s feeling and my thoughts are constantly with him too!!

There is far more to this than just the bike ride for me and there are many people that will never understand how or why I feel the way id and I hope they never have to.

I started to get a few things in place and started to move forward last week but it wasn’t quite how I hoped to move on.

I got a new bike and new helmet so I knew that sorting things wasn’t going to be far away but then it came to actually riding, I decided to ride to the gym on Thursday to see how it went and all was good so thought about a bigger ride on Friday.

This didn’t feel as good, felt really nervous which is something that I just don’t do, felt a bit shaky, felt all a bit unsteady like I wasn’t riding in a straight line, it also took a hell of a lot out of me, it didn’t feel quick and I didn’t really know why I was bothering. But then as I came up for the last 6 to 7 miles it seemed easier and it started coming together.

I rode again the next day, only about 6 miles but this also seemed like a lot of hard work, in fact my legs felt really weak.

Sunday I got to see mum so we sat and really put the world to rights, well she put me right anyway, she took me back to the big “C” and put me straight on a number of things. She made me read my diary that I kept for some of the time whilst in hospital, kind of like a trip down memory lane.

Then I started to think (yep again) less than two years ago I was told I had 11.5cm tumour between my spine and kidney.

I spent long 7 months under hospital care, 9 operations/major procedures, two lots of extremely ruff chemo, a major op which I very nearly lost my life, I endured a coma, I lost over half my body weight, I very nearly had kidney failure, I had part of my bowel hanging out my stomach, I had to learn how to walk, I had to introduce food to my body again and deal with trying to make my digestive system start working again, for a number of weeks I was still in the woods. My nurses have told me since that when I first got to ward 21 they didn’t think I would be with them long and that wasn’t due to a speedy recovery!!

In fact the list goes on and I could write a whole blog all about that time.

The fact is when I came out of hospital I had nothing, nothing to lose, I had to start all over again, what was I going to do?? I had nothing to look forward to, how was I going to earn a living, would I ever make a full recovery?? Would I ever be able to work?? Would I ever be able to walk down the road without crutches?? Let alone ride a bike.

Then something clicked and I wasn’t happy sitting waiting to find out so it was time to push on, all of a sudden I started riding a wave, a wave so big it could only be dreamt about.

I realized I had everything to gain, I still can’t walk long distances or run but I can ride a bike and I can do it well, if was to lose everything then I’ll get it back again, I’ve done it once and I’ll do it again and so can everybody reading this now!!

I picked myself up, brushed myself off and started to build my life again. This time I’ve only slipped down the ladder so let’s crack on!!

I think the problem with all of is we forget far too easily where we come from, what we have been through and what we’ve over come. We are all capable of doing anything we want also as I heard in a film over the weekend “do more for others than you for yourself”.

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