Well what can I say?? I’ve been back just over a week now.
I’ve been trying to write a blog called “The day it all went wrong” which id hope to have up.
The reason I haven’t been on line telling you how great I’m feeling even after being hit by a truck is because for once I actually don’t feel great. I’m not sure if it’s the jet lag, the accident, feeling of failure or even the anti climax of everything and nothing??
It’s the 23rd today, a year to the day all clear, I was meant to be crossing the finish line and celebrating with Sean, Mum, Dad, little brother, midget and my new Miami mate Sergio (your a legend dude). It was going to be a number of celebrations all wrapped in one, one year all clear, my 30th birthday (replay for Mum) and cycling 3500 miles in 30 days.
I know that ill be ok and all will come good I’ve just needed a bit of me time but I think that might be coming to the end of after a few days of doing nothing.
Last time I felt like this was after cancer, the abandoned feeling along with all the problems that i’d had and not knowing how to feel or which direction I should turn now and not forgetting that question that you keep asking yourself….What next??
Last time I had the bike to take all of my upset, anger and thoughts out on but now there’s nothing. I can’t ride till maybe next week I can go down the gym but only for 45mins max on a spinning bike but I’ve been spending 6 to 10 hours a day riding on average 120 miles a day… 45mins?? is that some kind of wind up?? when I do get back out it will have to be slow and not for a great distance but at least ill be on the bike.
I was loving every minute of what I’ve been doing, nothing hurt, no aches or pains, the bike was set up better than I have ever had a bike set up.
I felt like I was in a place of pure harmony together at one with something that we really aren’t meant to have a bond with. It felt like this was where I was meant to be and doing what I was meant to do so many years ago, everyone was behind me, even forces that some believe don’t exists but they where there helping me along, this was for everyone! a sign of humanity, determination and tenacity it isn’t really even about cancer it’s about being able to do anything you want to if you put your mind to it.
Whilst I was there I felt like I knew what was going on with my life I was there to do something special ,I knew what I wanted to do after this, I was even thinking about my next challenge how long it would be and where would it start and take me.
I even got told by someone how proud they were of me and id never heard them say it before, it made me cry!!! Everything I’ve ever wanted was coming together.
Then that day came along…. it was a good day till then!!
This might seem strange but, as some of you may know I was loved my granddad so much and I’d zip tied his old WW2 flying wings to the front of my bike. On this day as many before I had a chat with him whilst I was riding I asked him for help, I told him it was going to be a long one and would need him there, we had 156 miles to do. I asked him for rain to cool me down and it rained, I asked him for a tail wind and I had a tail wind it was like he was there, I told him I needed him by my side and I think we can safely say that he was there and he did what I asked!!!!!
But know I’m back, the drugs have worn off, the adrenaline has gone and reality has hit.
I keep telling everyone that I’m fine, I’ve been through worse, it’s just one of things, I’ll be back soon and I WILL!!. It just seems so hard to know keep that focus, harder than before, I feel like I used allot of what id got to get this point after the big “C” and yet again something’s trying to hold me back but I keep telling myself that I will bounce back and I will be stronger than I was in the first place, this isn’t over till it’s over and it isn’t over by a long shot!!!!
People have said I’m like a cat, if that’s the case then I’ve got 6 lives left and as long as I loose them smiling and trying to make a difference to the lives of others then ROCK ON!!!
18 Comments (Leave a Reply)
James I don’t even really know you but I’ve been following you on here and you are a true inspiration! X
Make the most of those 45 minutes, James!
6 left? Carry on like you have been and you’ll be just fine…all the best!
A month ago I had no idea who you were, then Peaty tweeted and I read your story… you inspired me, and still do. I have no doubt that one day you will finish your epic journey. You and Sean are amazing people – thank you
James, my name is Charlotte. You don’t know me, but we have something in common. I got lymphoma when I was 23 and this summer I’ll be celebrating my 2 year remission.
Just like you, I felt empty and useless after the treatments were over.
Just like you, I needed a challenge. Mine was to study and work in cancer research.
Just like you, to celebrate my 1 year remission anniversary, I took off to the States. I drove alone from Texas to California, hiking through and camping in the most beautiful National Parks.
I am now living in Orlando, Florida, trying to build myself a new life.
I feel like I felt all of the feelings you’re describing. Sometimes I feel like I’ve been brave enough that I deserve a break, but that’s not how life is.
But James, we are survivors, no matter what. As you said, every blow we survive is only making us stronger. It is painful though, and I feel for you.
But always remember that the fact that we are still here is a living proof that hope is never lost.
James you are the most inspirational person I have ever come across. You have the most amazing spirit and determination and I am so upset that your amazing adventure was brought to an end like it was.
You have no idea how touched I have been by your story and the person you are. Do not for one second think you have failed in anyway – the fact that you are still here is a huge, huge inspiration – anything else you choose to do wiht your life is a massive bonus on top. Please do not be hard on yourself. Chin up you legend! x
Sorry you are not feeling too great James but it could have been worse. At least you are home. Sean is still stuck over there with his injuries and yet still remains to be positive. You are alive, that is all that matters
James, after reading this, i feel for you, i know how much you wanted to complete it, but there’s always next year, and i know you determined to come back and achieve it because you have the will power and the determination, i believe in you and so does everybody else, your such a inspiration! i hope everything improves for you and your family and all your friends, you deserve the best! xxx
The wheel of karma is constantly turning. As we reach the end of one learning cycle, we come to the beginning of another. These cycles are ongoing and continue to move us forward, until all individual karma is fulfilled & unconditional self knowledge is gained.
Keep going James, everything that you need is within you. You’ve found it before, you’ll find it again.
Love & light xx
What you are having to deal with now,I imagine is really tough, like with any unfinished business. Take heart from what people have written.You have inspired a huge number of people by your courageous attitude including a great number of young people.
Hi James. Its ok to feel sad. I thought you had gone a wee quiet and i did think this might be the case. Your body is just taking this shock in and recharging you – give it a chance however frustrating it must be.
A switch is gonna flick, as it did before and you will be up and going again even stronger in no time.
Its ok to take a rest and sit back for a bit.
Your blogs and comments on facebook are amazing so please don’t hide away – it’s gonna be hard but the more you share your feelings the more energy we can send you.
Nowt wrong with that.
… and just remember you are an amazing man!
Hi James, I cannot add anymore to what has already been said and to which I agree. You truly are an inspiration and I wish you all the best for the future whatever path you take.
I don’t know you but i have been following the events unfold over the past few weeks and Do you know what James, there is one thing i have learnt out this, from what you have been through i will never ever moan about anything again.. you truly are an inspiration and for what you have been through its amazing. Maybe that celebration can all come together when Sean comes out comes home. Be strong your an amazing person. Keep your chin up.
Bea x
hi jimmy keep your head up,you are an inspiration to millions.
Just to let you guys know we will be taking part in the dress down day on Thursday to contribute towards the remaining sum needed to reach £100,000 for McMillan – a charity that my husband has raised funds for by running the London Marathon – and who helped my Mother out so superbly when my father died of a brain tumour ten years ago. Wishing you both a speedy and full recovery.
You don’t know me but I work at Mortgage Advice Bureau and know of Sean. You are a real inspiration and these bad times will pass. I too have had a very tough year my mum lost her battle with cancer at just 55 2 weeks ago and my little boy Alex aged 4 has recently been diagnosed with Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy which means he’s likely to be a wheelchair from age 9-12 and may not live past his 20′s. I keep thinking how the hell do you cope with all of this, but just take each day, think positive and hopefully you’ll be happy once again. All the best and do keep your chin up you deserve some good news after all of this.
Invictus
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul
I’ve thought long about posting on this site, I too have been touched by God (Phil Baragwanath) and cancer. I have nothing but sheer admiration for what you have achieved, actually, I can’t express what I feel, you actually say how the battle is far better than I think I ever could.
James,
I just missed Sean and you cycling in Sanderson Texas. I sent you an e-mail from there wishing you two the best. I’m the ole’ man cycling thru to Florida with the trailer. I’m outside Baton Rouge, just heard of your C. My prayers and thought are with the both of you.
Here’s my feelings from my heart! I’ll finis…h in Miami for your cause and your honor. (I was finishing In St. Augustine Fl.)
I understand Sean is in New Orleans somewhere. I can visit him, tag team him, give me your flag or whatever to carry and I’ll finish it for two fallen brothers. I’m The last person on the trail, east or west, to my knowledge.